He Said, She Said - The Art of Getting Your Kids to Talk to You
Being a parent isn't easy. Some days just getting everyone in
your family all together at the same time for dinner can seem
like the "impossible dream". Between after school sports and
clubs and working and errands and carpools, it's not surprising
that almost half of the parents in a recent survey said they feel
a growing distance between themselves and their children.
Today's children have more things to deal with than kids did even
twenty years ago. Drugs, violence, mixed messages in
advertising, peer pressure, packed schedules and outside
activities all add to the pressure they face.
So how, in the midst of all this chaos, do you find time to talk
to your kids -- and more importantly, have them talk back to
you?
Here are several ideas that can help:
1. Eat dinner together as a family at least three times a week.
Conversations flow easier when they happen around the dinner
table. If your family is conversationally-challenged in the
beginning, think of conversation starters before each meal. Plan
a family vacation, letting each child talk about where they'd
like to go, or what they'd like to do. Talk about current
events, the latest movies or upcoming special events. Ask your
children open-ended questions that have to be answered with more
than yes or no.
2. Turn off the outside world. Set aside "family time" each
night and have everyone turn off their phones, the computers and
the television. Let your friends and extended family know that
you won't be available during that time, and stick to it. Your
kids (especially teenagers) may joke about it, but secretly
they'll probably be delighted. Use this time to reconnect with
each other. Watch a movie, play board games, take turns reading
out loud, but whatever you do, do it together.
3. Cook at least one meal a week together. Even your youngest
children can do something to help. If your kitchen is too small
for everyone to fit, schedule a "helper" or have your children be
responsible for different parts of the meal. Your family will
grow closer during this time, and your kids may even start the
conversations themselves. (You can always get the ball rolling
by talking about things you did with your parents. While you may
not be cool, chances are your kids think your parents are, and
will be impressed).
4. Make it safe for your kids to talk to you. Let them know that
you won't get angry or upset if they talk to you about what's
going on. If they tell you something "off the record" then let
it stay that way. (Emergencies and dangerous situations aside).
5. Listen to what they have to say. If you're working, or doing
something else when your child starts to talk to you, they may
give up if they know your attention is really somewhere else.
Give your child the same courtesy that you'd give to a friend or
acquaintance, by giving them your undivided attention when
they're speaking.
6. Use active listening skills. Make sure that you understand
what your child is telling you. Repeat what they told you and
ask questions.
7. Set aside special time to spend with each child. It may be
nothing more than taking one child at a time with you when you
run errands, but let each child know that you value spending
special time with them.
8. Be patient. Don't expect a "perfect" family. If you're not
June Cleaver and your husband isn't Howard Cunningham, it's okay.
Just remember that perfect families really don't exist outside
of television re-runs.
Just keep trying, and you'll learn the art of conversation with
your kids isn't as hard as you thought!
